Apparently I graduated high honors from Physical Therapy School without a class in self compassion.
Can you believe not one of my medical friends dealing with death and disease all day feels he or she was ever educated in compassion? Outside of my yoga, I know I was not. I mean they never told me to be mean founded on compassion but what I am talking about is training in dealing with it, working with it and feeling it all day long.
First of all, being authentic and compassionate providers was actually a weakness getting all your patient's seen on the floors. You had to care but as soon as Mr J did not have a nurse to help you get him in the bed, out went the compassion he was tired and you were told to leave him a few more hours in the chair. Also, staying with Mrs. S while she cried about her fate also meant not getting notes written or running behind on my time for Mrs K.
I remember that ignorant linear minded girl who had burn out after a month seeing 4 patients per hour back in 1998. She was never set up with the skills to protect her own heart from compassion fatigue. She just did not have any mentors who understood what it means to be a heart centered creative in a western science based healing profession. She did not have any integratives around her yet and she DEFINITELY did not see the bigger picture or an alternative solution.
I knew I would get ahead but I needed to quit. Call it youth, call it blind ambition but It was the right thing to do considering the fact that I was so unhappy. Besides that, I was sick (most likely adrenal fatigue) from the choices I felt I HAD to make and sadly it still took me a few more years of fatigue after that (I suffered on and off depression since a bad case of mono in 1994 )
Wanting a Voice & Finding it through the Silence of Yoga
All I wanted in 1998 seemed very simple. I wanted to offer what I went to school to do. I wanted to be respected by the entire medical community. I wanted to feel energized and alive with how I spent my energy and I wanted to be a good mom and work but just not in that typical clinic way.
Before I decided to make my bigger move into letting go of traditional perspectives, I was two kids in and down to three quarter working hours. I was doing all the right things but still getting burnt out. I said it was poor work life balance but now I know it was an internal imbalance of my 5 realms of being. I was very likely several years into adrenal fatigue and my psychosocial integrity of being mom was shot keeping up with the Joneses. The lack of energy I complained was being zapped by an overactive mind and misalignment of my personal core beliefs, I questioned my value way too many times and I realized it was actually an attempt to feed the realm of dharmic integrity.
In psychology the professionals call this inner conflict cognitive dissonance. For a good two years I labeled it "a phase" like PMS and jumped onto my yoga mat. I knew if I didn't work hard finding myself that someone would tell me who I was and provide me the evidence to medicate myself again for resolution. I worked too hard getting off it the first time. There would need to be another solution.
Luckily my yoga pill worked great but I need to keep consistent or down the slippery slope of perfectionism I would go. I needed to move my career in a better ratio of work /life balance and not long after, Belly Guru version 1.0 came out in a birth of beautiful, imperfect, professional health leadership.
So can you relate? Are you a compassionate soul feeling sick in the system? Have you found an outlet and way for self love you can share? If so, post below and if you think this post can help another then please share.