By L. Holland
He who keeps me strong to stay in the present will be my God.
He who fulfills a desire of mine will be my friend
He who enables the will be my mind and
He who nourishes my heart will be my soul
May I find the will to calm the mind
May I feed my hearts with passion and unattached love
May I see through the looking glass of faith
And may I aim never to leave my spiritual home again
OM shanthi shanthi shanthi ----------
A mix of memories, sleep, misunderstanding, and right thought
It amazes me how deep some of my musing I doodle down are in comparison to some others. It continues to prove how intuitive and yet deceptive the mind can be. For as long as I can remember watching my mind, it has had a ton of things to say. I remember being a toddler with complex thoughts. I have a strong memory from about 2 years on and remember needing to know why people acted as they did from a very young age. I remember the terrible testing of cause and effect during toddler hood and judgmental thinking that most of the adults in my life were not very mature grown ups. How I thought I knew or even cared to think about what maturity entailed is beyond logic at such a young age and only explained by my present belief that I am an old soul. If not old then definitely not a new one.
All I know that at 3 yrs old I distinctly remember being frustrated that the adults at my birthday party left the ladder to the pool down and I conducted an experiment to see how long it would take them to properly supervise me and attend to me climbing in. I looked at my reflection in the water and decided what I needed to do. I actually remember rationalizing that I needed to be in the middle of the pool to test my theory that they were not supervising me. I might have dreamt about swimming on my own or doing something like this but I was three and determined to make it a reality. Next moment I was the witness to the instant revelation that I did not yet attain the cognitive ( brain matter) maturity to comprehend that I could not yet swim. As I let go of the rail there is the memory of a moment of fear that I was going to drown. I remember some level of logic or ego was in charge because I looked up from the water and mentally focused intently with anger on the adults. In the next second I watched the mind turn to it's instinct and I decided to float instead. Just like that. I calmly decided I was going to float because I did not want the horror of being unsuccessful in my attempt to swim. What the heck was that? In a 3 year old's head? I did not think a bit about my present life's inexperience with floating. Right thought was that my parents needed to immediately respond and I did not want to go under. Maybe I related the pool tomy memory of the womb as a safe place as I recollect internal conversations saying "don't cry or else you won't float" . Well long story short, in that same instant someone noticed me, my dad dashed down from the deck in lightning speed and got me. I never went under.
When I am mentally balanced I believe in the mind...
Psychologists might say the fear is why I remember but the experience was profound . The moment was important because there was no trauma and only a moment of fear. I always remained very calm. My mother would confirm this years later when I asked her if I was crying or said anything. She said that stunt was one of a few calm and calculated chances I took to study everyone's reaction.
There was a moment of fear to witness because the concept of mind is not the concept of the material brain. My brain functions in response to stimuli in a certain way. I can stimulate the brain by thought or physical touch during cranial surgery and produce an expected response. When the stimuli are engaged in the outward sensations of taste, smell, sight,sound and touch I am momentarily insane with desire because of the mind. The brain needs the mind( consciousness) to process the truth and rationalize an action. The mind on the other hand does not need the brain. The mind is constantly fluctuating between several thoughts and forming a state of consciousness. There is mind in my big toe. There is mind in a fetal cell deciding where to transport itself within the embryo and grow. There is mind within the lining of my gut saying I have ingested an irritant and mind within the neurons in my nerves ready to direct a charge. When I am not distracted, this all makes perfect sense. When I am not asleep I know what the mind is saying. When I am still I can discriminate better and as I saw at 3, I can manifest any needed reality.